Volcano Tragedies

by Jonah Goldberg

A shocking number of emails on this score have come in:

Mr. Goldberg,
I know that your volcano lancing jokes are meant to be funny, but my
daughter was killed by a vicious, roaming volcano who then stole her
wallet.  I have lost plenty of children to rickets, scurvy, mumps,
flying lizards, Al Qaeda, and cancer, but nothing compares to the
horror of watching your baby girl be burnt to a crisp for the $4.67 in
change that she had in her purse.  To add to it all, volcanos can’t
even carry money, because it burns or melts, so my baby was lost in

After every one of your volcano lancing jokes, I am struck with
seizures and must put a spoon in my mouth lest I choke on my own
tounge.  Sometimes, I cannot return to normal functionality for weeks,
and, after a particularly vivid lancing joke, I was in a coma for a

Perhaps the number of people who’ve had a truamatic volcano-related
death in their family is small, but you should take them into
consideration before you make jokes.

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