I do not go shopping on Black Friday — not because I’m protesting capitalism, but because capitalism has provided me with wonderful options to save me from the hell that far too many people foolishly call a “holiday.”
I cannot explain to you just how little interest I have in physically going to a store to buy a thing, and I’m just so thankful that our society’s capitalism-fueled advances have saved me from ever having to do so. There are no groceries in my house — because there don’t have to be. l can use Seamless when I’m starving, and Postmates when I’m not exactly starving but willing to pay a $5 delivery fee for a single taco, because I want a taco but New York City is just not inhabitable in the winter so there’s no way I’m going outside to get one.
I know what you’re thinking: “But what about the deals?” Okay, let me tell you something: There are no deals. Black Friday is a scam. You’re not saving $300; you’re being paid $300 to get the flu from some other shopper’s snot-nosed kid who has been rifling through the merchandise with his snot-covered hands — leaving you and your entire family as snot-covered as he is for at least two weeks after you bring that discounted Peppa Pig Red Car home.
It’s true: The number of things you’ll pay for while trying to get your “savings” is endless. You’re going to spend an extra $50 or so on gas driving around looking for a parking space at the store where they’re selling the Barbie Career Doll for $25 off. The chances that you’ll get in an automobile accident — one potentially causing thousands of dollars’ worth of damage — are pretty high when you’re surrounded by a bunch of other rabid creatures who are as manically obsessed with saving $15 on a Baby Alive Twinkles n’ Tinkles as you are. The hours you’ll spend in line are ones you can never get back — your kid is probably going to say his first words, “Where’s Mama?” while you’re waiting in line for a TV — and the chance that you’ll get trampled to death and have no more hours left isn’t zero.
— Katherine Timpf is a National Review Online reporter.